Life Is Nothing but a Dream

I'm a fan

2009-08-27T18:35:00.004+02:00

I've been following her work for quite a while...

I do some sewing myself, but i don't have the time, nor the imagination (I'm always full of energy to do it)

I love your work Mimi!!

no way josé

2008-05-13T20:28:00.004+02:00

Tengo que escribir entre 2700 y 3000 palabras para mañana...

¿cómo voy a conseguirlo? ni idea...

definitivamente la poesía no es lo mío,
ya veremos qué ha pasado en un par de días.

De cualquier manera es una mezcla entre miedo al fracaso por no hacerlo, miedo al bloqueo, bloqueo real, no tener ni idea en absoluto de como desarrollar el ensayo...
pero en realidad eso siempre me pasa hasta que empiezo a escribir, pero la presión de las 3000 palabras me aplasta, y tener que proveer toda la información me aplasta también...

estoy aplastada

so...what are you gonna do now?

2008-05-08T20:29:00.003+02:00

It's been a while, but it seems like yesterday.
It is strange the way in which time and space bend in, blend and mix together.

What am I doing now? What am I gonna do?

There was this feeling of not belonging anywhere, it went away for a while, I went away for a while, and when do I come back? when I've got more important things to do, of course...that's my stupid way of evading, of running away from my responsibilities, that I'm not good enough to handle.

I don't want to handle, I don't want to decide, I don't want to explain...

Stop complaining and do something productive...where has all gone?
I just don't feel I can do anything, but when I start doing things it turns out that I'm not that bad at it...

Why do some people know how to live their lifes and I don't? Is there a way to live a life? But it is true that some people are more resolute, more ... how would I express it... they know what to do, as simple as that.

I look back, and what have I done?

nothing

I'm a total mess, I haven't achieved anything because there's nothing I want to achieve.

always feeling so shallow, but I am not shallow, am I shallow? I might be, I am some times
I guess...

I never finish anything, everything finishes me... I run because I don't want to fail, but when I stay I don't fail... what is this feeling?

I am away, I move away, and no matter how far I go, no matter how fast I move, everything comes with me...

I remember some things as if they had just happened, but I've blocked many more I don't want to remember.

It is like if I have stopped time, it doesn't pass for me... My mind doesn't change, my heart is grown cold and harsh, i don't love any more... but still sometimes I cry without reason...there's no reason for me to be sad, but I am always sad, and bitter... I've grown bitter... my face, my hands, my whole body is sick with bitterness, I don't trust anyone, not even myself...I never trusted myself...I did trust myself and I still do, I'm just too hot, I feel sick, bloated...like if my inside is going to erupt any second... I grow more and more bitter.
I've changed shallow for bitter.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

there's no point in doing anything, at the end it's only you alone

No me reconozco

2007-05-27T17:44:00.001+02:00

Intento leer ahora el fragmento anterior y no me reconozco,
¿soy realmente la misma que escribe esas lineas? en realidad sí debería, pero me veo inmersa en un periodo de tanto cambio que lo que soy ahora no es lo mismo que un par de meses atrás. Me daría miedo seguir siendo la misma aunque a veces se echa de menos un poco de continuidad. La vida se va desarrollando de una manera loca que no me permite parar a reflexionar, muchas veces hay dos niveles de pensamiento que se contradicen, por un lado la parte sedienta de nuevas experiencias que me dice, vamos! go for it!, y luego la otra que es más racional y que creo que al final siempre gana - aunque ultimamente deja bastante que desear-, no, no intentes engañarte que luego ya sabes lo que pasa...
Y así voy fluyendo por el contínuo espacio-tiempo y llego a lugares que no pensaba que estuvieran reservados para mí...y sigo adelante y no me importa, y veo cosas y escucho cosas y miro y entiendo y me quedo parada y pienso.

Ultimamente no reconozco mi reflejo, estoy desde hace un tiempo inmersa en una nueva esfera en la que me da igual todo lo que pase...está comenzando aquello que me daba mas miedo...permanecer indiferente ante los hechos que acaeciesen en mi vida, y ahora afronto todo de esa manera.

Hay alguna forma de conservar la inocencia o como queramos llamarlo, no lo se...yo por lo menos no lo consigo, tengo que esconderme detrás de un escudo, de un cristal que me permita percibir el mundo que me rodea con una óptica diferente, porque la que toca no me gusta...

No soy conformista, pero he tenido que hacer algo para poder seguir adelante porque esta vida que es un sueño es muy retorcida en algunas ocasiones...

Ahora todo parece un sueño un poco enrevesado, pero qué mas da, si hay que continuar viviendo...

I love you and I don't think you care

2007-02-20T01:22:00.001+01:00

I keep looking for you and I'm tired
I don't want to, I try not to...but you appear and I can't let go
It's something stronger than my self determination
at least I can control not to be your stalker - hard hard work-
I'm no one's stalker except my lovely of-Lawrence
and I'm not even a real stalker of him

I chase those past feelings, but I'll never get them back
I assumed It's always gonna be this way and now I don't care that much

I wish you had never come into my life...
Do I regret? I regret nothing, except feeling what I feel now
If I don't get this out of me I'm gonna go crazy, so I prefer letting everybody know and then try to cope with it alone, cause in this situations nobody can help you,
you're helplessly alone, looking for help and comfort...
and no one except yourself can make you feel different.

I hate what happened but:
'fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around'

Damien Rice was always good with brokenhearted lyrics

nothing fits
I don't really care
I care
Should I care at all?
I know I shouldn't
but I still do

Take me out this state please
I was going to wish something, but I have to remember I'm so lucky getting what I wish, as I never cared about consequences, but now I do care...when nothing can be done...

I don't mind...Don't pay attention to this please
They're just random feelings and thoughts
as random as love

I'm afraid of bed, I'm afraid of sleeping, I'm afraid of myself

2007-01-09T02:19:00.000+01:00

Lately I find it very difficult to sleep
I won't go to bed and then I won't get up in the morning to fullfil my duties,
There's something that makes me run away from it, I look at her from the corner of my room, and hear her spell, calling me...Come to me, Come to me... But I won't
Nothing will be as planned...I won't move from my privileged position, I won't I won't
But my eyes betray me and my body longs for sleep, for rest...Even if I don't get any at all when I lay there, when I try to hold all the day's emotions and experiences...for my brain to process the new information injected as a heavy liquid, that won't be absorbed.
It's almost 2:30 and I don't want to go
neither do I want to stay
I want to remain in a middle place where days don't pass
always in the same place
rooting
like a tree
and then I wouldn't be satisfied and I'd want to walk and see the world, no matter what comes my way, because I don't care about anything lately...
Things are the way they are and they can't be changed, not that I wouldn't change some things about me or my surroundings...but it just won't happen

Every day my heart grows a little smaller
every day my willing to do is weaker
every day my life is different to what I expected
neither good nor bad, just different to what I want

Is there a chance to make things the way you want?
with so many intelligences involved I guess not

Everybody feels the same, everybody thinks the same, everybody looks the same...

2006-12-16T23:26:00.002+01:00

I can remember now...
How much I loved you...
How difficult it's been to accept that I did love you....
Hidding all those feelings behind a nice smile...
And lately I realise that I don't care anymore, that all is gone...
gone from my mind and from my soul,like if it never had happened...
I sometimes force myself to remember, but it is all gone...
I can't remember anything...
I can't remember your face, your soft lips, your whispering in my ear...
I remember the candle, the music, the mirror...
but it always felt like I wasn't there, like it was too good to be real

I would have gone to the end of the world
It's all so far now...all the pain is gone
I miss you and i don't miss you at the same time
I've developed this feeling or this habitude of always remembering you when i'm happy
because with you I felt happy for the very first time
that happiness that lightens all dark corner, that makes you smile without a reason
for I had no reason...

And all this doesn't matter anyway,
for now that I don't see you
and I've been forced to live without you near
when I come near you I feel I have nothing else to do with you
as you felt a year ago...
almost a year now

I really thought I wouldn't be alive by now
But life forces you to keep going
no matter what happened before

I still remember you and think about you a lot
and it makes me sad that we won't be in each other's lives
that I won't see you anymore
or hold you
or look into your eyes

Will the emptiness be filled anytime?
Will I be the same I was?
Do I want to be like her? like me?
without you I don't want to be really anything
but it doesn't matter
I have to be
whatever I am

menuda estupidez
una de las primeras resoluciones que tome fue que no volveria a hablarte
borre tu numero cuando te volvi a ver
y aun asi me acerque a hablarte porque no puedo aceptar que soy lo suficientemente valiente para no aceptar lo que me dijiste
porque te obligué a que me lo dijeras

que mas da todo
solo lo saben aquell@s que tengo al ladito de mi corazon
que sienten como yo
que me conocen
que amazingly me quieren como soy
y no estoy muy segura por que
pero me quieren
y yo a ell@s
aunque tampoco me olvido de ti
porque se que va a pasar tanto tiempo hasta que pueda volver a sentir algo minimamente parecido...
porque no puedo volver al estado al que estaba, ya no
todo me suena a cuentos chinos

nada es verdad
ni siquiera lo que pensé que decías de verdad

El dia que consiga dejar de hablar de mi misma me compraré un libro bonito y se lo enseñaré al que quiera verlo...
De momento me consuelo comprandome libros con ilustraciones bonitas como premio
asi que en realidad no tiene mucho sentido el premio...

El dia que deje de escribir del pasado y de mis sentimientos
me iré al jardin de las rosas
y me sentaré a mirar el Madrid antiguo bajar por las cuestas de la calle segovia
y me compraré un helado de FREDDOFREDDO de ferrero rocher y de frambuesa.

Que mas da si al final me duermo mirando las estrellas fluorescentes sin nadie mas que mi monologo interno y algunos recuerdos borrosos de otro tiempo que ya no volverá...por algo son recuerdos
por algo tengo insomnio
por algo no quiero levantarme para ir a clase
por algo no siento nada cuando me siento en la otra punta de la clase

porque ya da todo igual
el idealismo en mi se murió
como yo queria morir
pero no fui lo suficientemente valiente
porque a quien le iba a importar
ni siquiera a mi misma me importaba

One day I'll grow up and be a beautiful woman...- que lindo te sale...- ya que mas da...

2006-10-31T18:04:00.001+01:00

All I want is to disappear, step by step I get into the darkness of my self. I lay in the sofa, I look at the white wall, but my eyes don't see, just looking at the infinite. My dearest mother comes near me and I don't want to look at her or talk to her or anything with her, she, who gave me life is the one I don't want to see...
My father only has the name, but strangely he is the only one who calms my emptiness.
I cannot trust anybody, not even him that lives his life alone...Why would you have a family then?What machiavellian strategies have worked to make me appear in this exact place? Was it I? Was it destiny?
My body lays, unable to move, I sink on the sofa, the cushions swallow me, swallow the shallow girl...Am I shallow?

2006-10-31T17:57:00.001+01:00

Through the foggy space she had walked for years, more than what she could remember. Never had she tried to explain or explore anything and now she has to face the consequences; she had lost time and she didn't have it to catch up.
Everyday had to stand up to the new situations and it was exhausting, she didn't feel strong enough, she was tired, she did not know where to start...
After analysing herself she had found the leak that spilt all her inner esence, and now the problem was where to start, too many things to read, too many things to learn, too little time to go for it.

2006-10-05T09:04:00.001+02:00

What an amazing night...
How can some people be so talented? I know a few people now, and they amaze me each day with their good vibe.
What is it that I find s attracting, he is not specially handsome, but he's got these funny movements and ways of acting
After analysing my taste n singers I can conclude that:
- I like male singers
- I Like short guys
- I like big heads
- I like ill-looking guys
- I like orchestra
- I like acting on stage and talking to the audience

But not in that strictly in that order

[This was supposed to be shown yesterday anyway, as the concert was on Monday night]

2006-10-05T09:01:00.001+02:00

We were on the concert yesterday and it was...simply amazing
At the end of the concert, when he came out again to sing another two songs, he was wearing a long blond wig...
I couldn't stop laughing

He is a great singer, so small, with such a big head, a great voice, a taste for music, irish, elf-looking, theatre-actor

About blog entries and html language

2006-10-04T11:54:00.001+02:00

Am I messing everything or what? I don't get on well with new technologies. At some point I thought I did, but lately as I keep discovering new things I realise that I need to do something about it.

Anyway, If I have posted something like three times, with different comments about it, but more or less the same...That's because I can't see it on my page!!!!

Mecawen

October the second

2006-10-04T11:35:00.001+02:00

The Divine Comedy - Our Mutual Friend

What a night! Even if the venue wasn't the appropriate, Neil Hannon and company didn't let us down.

So after analysing my musical preferences I have realised that short guys with big heads and beautiful voices are the ones I like most. And also a little bit of string instruments and amazing arrangements.

There are nights when you just feel that nothing new is gonna happen, but in any case going out and seizing the city helps. I feel like I am obliged to the little serene nights left before the true winter comes to our hearts and our lives, and other worries need our attention.

There's no need of anything really, but the little things are the ones that keep us moving.

For now we'll keep going on

2006-09-29T17:12:00.000+02:00

Three more days to start classes.
It's being so peaceful inside and outside my body, my brain...Waves of love come and go to reach everyone who dares come near me...And a lot of people do, actually...
Wanna start, wanna do nothing...
Some days I feel so much inside, I have to leave everything and go out, walk, and walk, and walk a little bit more, and then I don't have the strength to go back home...So I have to think about something else, about the sky, about knowledge, about what is really important for me, about who I miss and who I can live without...about how I want my life to be, my person, and about what I am when there's nothing around, and I have to say that I'm almost happy with what I am, again...

Harmony between soul and space, one with the world, feeling the vibes

I think I'm in love with the Irishman again

2006-09-04T13:37:00.000+02:00

There was a time when was feeling so down and wanting to feel even lower, that I used to listen to the 'O' album a lot, I prefer the B-sides, but it's just a perfect album. I like to sing along with it.

Damien Rice - The Blowers Daugther

This video is great because it shows funny moments of Master Damien Rice.

Damien Rice - The Professor & La Fille Danse (Live)

Damien Rice - Volcano

Does every place have the same sky?

2006-08-30T21:24:00.000+02:00

Why does it seem like everything is different in other place?
Is it that you don't stay there too long? that you can look into everything with new eyes?
Somebody told me that coming back to Madrid after a long time, things could be seen like that, now it was different, everything had new shades, something new could be discovered in every corner...
I always walk looking at the sky or the buildings, trying to avoid people, not walking too fast these days, I have nowhere to go, no one to run from, nothing to go to... I just try to seize the moment, but I can't do it right.

I will do it right some day...

when I learn not to be the mental abuser, the shadow...

Alone with the world, with no people to hurt

Viva L'Italia

2006-08-09T15:30:00.000+02:00

Despues de numerosos peligros y aventuras, me he abierto camino fuera de Espagna, a un lugar en donde no existe mi letra favorita del diccionario, a un lugar en el que hay mas de cien tipos diferentes de pasta, queso, gelatos...Vacaciones gastronomicas...Arte a destra e sinistra, descanso merecido, compagnia agradable, se escurren de mi mente las preocupaciones pasadas y vuelvo a descubrir mi verdadero miedo, que me gusta demasiado estar sola en un lugar en el que no me conozca nadie, es una sensacion maravillosa a la que me hago cada vez mas y mas adicta...aunque aqui no es del todo cierto.

Para aquellos que me lean, felices vacaciones, disfrutad y descansad lo que podais...

Kevin Johansen + The Nada - Cuartel Conde Duque

2006-07-06T19:26:00.000+02:00

Y alli estaba yo. Esperando a que empezara el concierto. Con muy buen lugar, a la altura del escenario...Y alli salio Kevin, y alli empezó a tocar, y yo no lo podía creer de lo bien que sonaba, y de que estuviera alli, y que pronto nada importaria nada, pero aun asi lo feliz que estaba...

Que linda musica, que linda noche, todo parece una pelicula...Otra vez...
mas bien un espectro que se pasea por las calles, con la curiosidad a flor de piel, disfrutando del viento que revuelve mi pelo y de la extraña corriente o vendabal que se crea en la esquina de Plaza España con Princesa...Inexplicable

Shine sunshine

2006-07-06T19:05:00.000+02:00

Life is too good to be truth.

Over and over again

2006-05-19T18:08:00.000+02:00

Today was a bad day. I realised that what I feel won't go away, that the flowing of energy that these past months had stoped, started again. I could feel all my aura trembling, and I don't think it was my brain trying to make me believe...I want to think that is my own brain, try to find a logic reasoning because I cannot bear the burden I'm carrying, but I don't know what to believe.
Every day I want to let go, and every day the feeling cmes back, I want to let things free, to accept what it is and what it will be, but my own mind doesn't let me do it, because if I don't have that I don't have anything else, emptyness has invaded my soul.
Every day I try to make it a new day, and I end it with his presence, and I'm so tired of it, so so tired, I want to quit from everything, I want to be alone and reconstruct myself, to find the new me, because the old was not enough, not for me, if it were it wouldn't have happened like this, I would be fine, I wouldn't feel like I am evaporating, like I'm going back to a place where no one can find me, mixing with the blue sky...
Why do we have to live a life we don't want to live? Why can't I change my vision, why can't I go away? Why can't I let it be, and understand...
I need to understand...In fact, I need to accept because no explanation is coming, and that's the only certain thing I know.

About future events

2006-05-17T21:41:00.000+02:00

I've been thinking about volcanos, about super volcanos, and how if the one in Yellowstone erupts all life would be destroyed, how humans will disappear from Earth's surface, how everything as we know it will no longer be.
Will some people survive? Will I be among them? I think about how can I contribute to a new society and I don't find anything worth saying. What would be needed in new society, without machines, electricity or people who know how to extract from the eath the things required.
Will people change in a different environment, trying not to think about what they had before the catastrophe, cooperating with each other.
If I don't want to survive in a world like the one I've got to face every day, will I be ready to face a completely different reality?

There's a documentary about supervolcanos somewhere in the web, I like it a lot!!

To live or not to live

2006-05-13T19:06:00.000+02:00

These days I'm going to the hospital because of my grandma, she is ill, she is tired, she is really ill, she thinks she's gonna die, I think that too sometimes...
She has always taken care of me and my sister since we were kids, sometimes I think she is more my mother than my mother, but that's another thing, maybe I'll talk about that some day, to myself and to my reader...today is my granny who makes me think.
She has always been the care giver and I have never been able to care properly about her, she is a woman, very beautiful woman, very insecure woman, very caring-for-everything woman, and now she is postrated in bed and with a pain that I can't imagine, sometimes it seems fake, sometimes her face turns pale, emaciated, glassy eyes look up to the ceiling, turn around in her bed, suffering a terrible headache...
I feel she is tired of living, she is afraid, she sometimes whispers she is going to die, she uses all kind of different expressions meaning it. Do I feel sorry? How must it be to face death? Is she really ready to die? Does she wanna live something else?
I've always seen her as a resign woman, no objectives, a house to take care of, kids to be brought up, husband always out of home, and when in, not talking to one another, but that's how life was for her, no other ways out, no knowledge of how to do it, no environment permitted to...
She always tells me not to get married, not to have children, to finish my studies, to live on my own...Was that what she wanted to herself? If you really want something you do it, but at certain age it's too difficult to give up on what you have, too many resonsabilities, maybe too afraid.
I remember we couldn't keep anything, she always cleaned and threw away everything, she still does, I hope she still will some years more. Fussy, everything should be spotless, what is some visits came in? but there were no visits, ever, we were not allowed to bring anybody home, always ready for a visit she didn't want and never came. Strange. Not talking to anybody, no thoughts to bring up, only memories, always at home, always looking through the peep hole, or the window, silent, don't make any noise or the neighbours will be bothered. Too concerned about what others will say, about her, about her house, about her family...Look how well they live, what a great job, how skinny their daughters are, and you are not.
Too worried about everything, always ready to take care of everyone except herself.
She is my mother, she always has been there, with her cup of coffee after doing the wash-up, nd cleaning the floor, the only time to rest was in the evening, three hours before everything strted again, cook, wash, table, plates, food, wash, broom, water, garbage, off we go...
Every single day.
Is it worth living like that? no music, no reading, no talking...What might she think about her past life? Is she satisfied? Does she want to live?
She misses when we lived together, she is worst since nobody lives with them, since we stopped needing her, that was her only incentive to continue living...Maybe I'm just imaging it.
I've always seen her like that, too concern about everything to live, too scared of everything, I didn't want to be like that, but I recognise her in myself...
She didn't lead an empty life, we all love her with her tics and words, and actions and everything, because she is my grandma, more than that actually.

Butterfly by my lovely Merz

2006-05-10T21:37:00.005+02:00

BUTTERFLY - MERZ

You are the one that I can't pin down
I see you when I go into town

Butterfly

I see you move from blossom to bloom
I can't catch up
I'm not as swift as you

Butterfly

You've no agenda
You're just destined to be
That's why I'm attracted
Because you seem so free

Butterfly

I have a heart which tells me to let you be
Your wings will be snipped one day
But not by me

Butterfly

Madness or Malady or both

2006-05-08T10:32:00.000+02:00

'The sorrow you should have shared you have doubled, the pain you should have sought to lighten you have quickened to anguish. I have no doubt you did not mean to do so. I know that you didn't mean to do so.

And the end of it all is that I have got to forgive you. I must do so. I don't write this letter to put biterness into your heart, but to pluck it out of mine. For my own sake I must forgive you. One cannot always keep an adder in one's breast to feed on one, not rise up every night to sow thorns in the garden of one's soul. It will not be difficult at all for me to do so, if you help me a little. Whatever you did to me in the old days I always readily forgave. Only one whose life is without stain of any kind can forgive sins. But now when I sit in humiliation and disgrace it is different.

I must say to myself that I ruined myself, and that nobody great or small can be ruined except byu his own hand. I am quite ready to say so. I am trying to say so, though they may not think it at the present moment. This pitiless indictment I bring without pity against myself. Terrible as was what the world did to me, what I did to myself was far more terrible still.'

Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

And what do I grasp from this, that the suffernig will still be with me until I am ready to let go, which I guess is not yet the time. I wish I could let it all go away, to be in peace with my inside, to be able to look at life as I once did, cause I was full of love to give, to share, but put it into the wrong hands, cause I was so eager for loving, and now all I had still remains, but is turning of a different nature, it hurts so much, as a present that cannot be delivered, and will never be.

I really feel that I cannot get rid of this, that I need help, but at the same time I feel nobody can help me but myself, and that's when the conflict becomes unbearable, because I donm't know how to do it alone. This pain hurts so much in my chest, I can actually feel it, It is real, it hurts.

Sometimes I try to think if anything of how you said things to me would have change any of the feelings I have now, I asked you for sincerity and you gave it to me, but still, it feels like too little, not even a real explanation, I guess that no explanation would have been enough, but...I guess I was wanting you to write your feelings down for me, but you didn't, you didn't even want to sit with me, I just needed to feel that you cared for me, the way was what has killed me I guess, I expected you to act as I did, but each person feels different, I cannot force anyone to do what I want, I guess that is what really makes me uneasy, that I want to take control, and I cannot control everything. But I feel that further explanation shoukd have been given, I cannot accept that you change your mind so quickly, not that you change your mind, but that you acted in one way and three days later you decide that you don't wanna see me ever again. And still you dare say that you need some time, to let me be expecting when will that time come, and it will never come, but I cannot accept life like that, I just can't, and I'm serious about this; but what can I do? nothing, I can do nothing because the pain that was inflicted will still remain, I cannot take you by my side if you come back (if ever) because I can't trust you anymore, and that's what makes me restless, that I feel the need for you (I don't know now if it is real or if I force myself to feel it) and I can't stand your actions, that have shown that you cared nothing about me, how can you care about me and do ehis to me? But then I think about her, and I see that you caused infinite pain to the one you care about more in this whole world, and I think to myself, will this be his way of loving somebody?then, you must love me in some way, but thats not a good way of loving.I feel you are afraid, you don't wanna be tied to anyone, you want to life your life on your own, and I want it to! you cannot do this to people, even more to people that love you the way you are, because I do so, I accepted it because I've no fear of my own feelings, I have come to realise what I feel (So long time watching at one's belly-button must have some consecuences), and I accepted to carry you inside everywhere I go, because I am so fond of you that I want you to see the most beautiful things, and to feel the joy of what surrounds us, and then I think it is pointless to keep feeling this, because you don't feel the same, but one can't just drop feelings away, you feel in a way and you can't change it, at least I can't change the way I feel. ut I have to learn to forget, because this goes nowhere, maybe some day I will be able to wake up and see that I no longer have this inside...I don't know what will become of me, I want so much to be with you, and you are just a few steps from me, and styill bigger things won't let us be.

Why do we have to feel so different?

¿Sabías que...?

2006-05-07T19:32:00.000+02:00

Te odio
por no quererme, por haberme dejado sola, por verte feliz cuando yo estoy hecha una mierda, por sentir lo que siento por ti, por querer estar contigo y no poder, porque tengo miedo, porque tu no quieres, porque no quieres, por qué no quieres?que mierda es lo que pasa para que haya tenido que ser asi, para que mierda te acercaste a mi, para destrozarme toda, para hacerme sentir como una mierda, menos que nada, para dejarme tirada a tu antojo para volver con la que realmente te entiende, para que mierda me hablas, para que te acercas a mi si ya has decidido como quieres que sea nuestra relacion, buah...la dejo y ya se olvidara de mi, y que mas da, si yo no soy ella y ella no es yo, y si se corta las venas, a mi que, porque total, ya la largué de mi vida y no quiero saber nada mas, porque no habia nada y ya me harte de hacer como que si, pero no, y nunca mas... y cada uno decide que hacer con su vida, y a quien tener a su lado y a ella no l quiero mi lado...

Está creciendo en mi algo muy feo , y no lo quiero, solo te quiero, y como me lo saco de dentro? no puedo, no se si lo intento, no quiero dejarte ir, y tengo que dejarte ir porque me estas deshaciendo, ya ni siquiera puedo hablar, ya ni siquiera puedo pensar, ya no siento, me levanto y miro al cielo y no me dice nada, y el sol se desliza por mi piel y nada, y mis amigas me abrazan y nada, y mi madre llora y nada...ya no me importa nada, ya no quiero saber nada...
Y de que me sirve, si al dia siguiente todo sigue igual, nada importa de lo que sienta o piense o haga, nada ya tiene proposito, ni antes tampoco, pero ahora menos todavia...

Y no puedo dejarte ir, estas enredado por dentro y no soy capaz de sacarte, por cada rincón te veo, apareces en mis sueños y me susurras, ahora por lo menos me miras a la cara...
Y para que te acercas a mi, a preguntarme si no te importa, ¿para sentirte mejor? pues mas te vale que te lo guardes si no vienes con otras intenciones, porque no quiero saber nada, si te sientes bien o mal con lo que ha pasado yo nunca lo voy a saber, no sientas ninguna obligación d venir a preocuparte o a hablarme porque no tienes ninguna, en este momento te libero.

No se si en el tiempo que has estado a mi lado te has dado cuenta de que yo no le pido nada a nadie, que nadie esta obligado a hacer nada que no quiera, que no quiero tener nada que ver con mentiras, que no quiero a nadie a mi lado porque se sienta obligado...
Me cuesta mucho no estar a tu lado, pero me cuesta mucho mas cuando intento ver en tus actitudes que igual, algun dia, cambias de opinion, que ni va a pasar ni ahora estoy muy segura de que sirviera de algo, porque la herida es grande y profunda, y no se cierra...y me duele horrores, pero no soy capaz de aceptar ciertas actitudes que yo no dispenso...

De que sirvio todo esto?
Por qué me has dejado sola?
por qué
por qué

You don't have to try, It just happens...

2006-05-03T20:33:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a drama-queen, that I need to get all the attention of the people surrounding me, but nothing more distant than the actual reality...I need to send people away from me, to be alone in a hidden room with a dim red light coming from an open window. Strange image, closed door but opened window...why is that?
My head aches of crying, of trying to understand why I can't go on with this half-life I'm living.
It is so simple to other people, just live, It shouldn't be more difficult than saying it, but the truth is that, for me, it seems so disquieting, so disturbing, the simple idea of living, so many different bodies and minds living in a world, independent but interdependent, how do they manage to do exactly what they are supposed to do?
And then I look at myself, I'm not so different from anybody, I'm just a normal person, at least in MY conception of normal person - I think I'm translating from spanish again, why?- but I don't wanna talk in my language, my mother tongue, My thoughts come to me clearly in other language, I disown my origin, because I don't like what I've become, because I cannot accept what I am now, and at the same time I don't want to change any little bit, well, maybe some small, really tiny thing , but nothing of the really important things I have, because I have a lot of things that right now I don't see, or don't wanna see...I don't care, I want to grow up, and be full and don't need anybody.
Was I so frustrating?That, now that I've been thrown away, your life gets better? I can't believe how much I can miss you, how little you care about it and how in a couple of years you will be nothing but a blurry souvenir, remembrance or whatever you can be called...Why do I still hold any hope inside, I try everyday to forget you, to tear you apart from my inside, but It does not happen, maybe if I wasn't trying so hard it would happen sooner...
Who cares...Who cares...Who cares...I've been saying that to myself for months.
I hate you so much and I love you with the same intensity...but that's a secret, you will never now, I'll keep that to myself, to my inner conscience

2006-05-02T11:34:00.000+02:00

Today is the first day of my new life, actually it was yesterday, but I didn't realise until this morning, when I woke up again, after dreaming about my present obsesion, that is going to be tear of my brain, slowly but safely...
Sometimes it seems like my brain is gonna crack, that I can't take the pain anymore, that the only solution is killing myself or killing him or...I don't know exactly, there's a mixture of feelings, unbearable at times...I want to get bac to what it was, but thinking coldly there's no reason to go back to that point. He doesn't want to and I definitely don't want either...The only thing I can do is ACCEPT how things are happening.
It had always been easy for me to get rid of certain stuff, well...now that I think better, I had the thougth in my mind but it never went anywhere else, no pain was felt, no desperation, no emptyness like if I didn't have organs anymore...
When you feel the energy of another person, so sweet, so real, as a river, as a rope that connects both bodies...is difficult to cut it like that, not to cut it, because right now I can't feel anything in any direction, but to forget that you felt that with that specific person, that person that right now is nothing, that never looks at you, that goes on with his life as if it was the most normal thing to do...
There are times when I wish that it never happened, that this crisis was not caused for any other people than myself, that I wasn't so intense or so stupid as to feel everything as I do, to be able to shut my heart an let nobody get in, and yet I cannot help but thinking that I was so lucky, that I could feel something like that, which wasn't anything special, but which made me feel so special, so secure and insecure at the same time, so perfect and with so many defects...but everytime was so full of everything...so full of my being too much and so little...
And when I decide to let it all go away, to take control of my own life, I feel this weakness caused by my own brain...My dreams, which torment me, and always the same image.
Sat in the same bench, bodies close, notepads close, hands tangled, a lecture being heard, never looking at me, and I have to get out of the room, with tears in my eyes, cause he doesn't care, and because I don't care, and then go back, and he is gone.
Or he is sat in a chair, in a terrace, and I come near, and he doesn't care, and I out of rage take my house's keys and cut his throat.
And many others I have to forget because they are too painful for me.
And I ask myself what he might be feeling right now, how is his life going, And I get to the conclusion that is none of my business anymore, and that it will never be . And that breaks my heart.
Hope is breaking my heart, because I try to convince myself that It is over forever, but one small voice inside keeps asking, but what if...
After all, what does it matter, life is going on the same if _I get used to it or if I never get through with it_ and that's the life I have to accept, what it feels now like a half life, but that will change a million times before I realise that I don't care about that anymore...
Still, when I try to make it less painful, I do things to trick my mind, It won't hurt, I say to myself, and then I do it, and all the rush of sorrow comes back, I'm self destructive, I would kill myself in any chance I get, and then everything would be peaceful, and silent, and green and white and intense blue...and I would be light, and nothing would make me stop shining.
Nothing of this is true,this life i'm forced to live Is nothing but a dream, he doesn't exist anymore, all the words he said, that I keep as a treasure are all imagination, I know nobody, I remember nothing

There's a strange fog around

2005-11-20T07:03:00.000+01:00

I tried to write but i think i've lost it...they said I could write, but people often say things that they don't know. Maybe there was a time when I could, but definitely that time has passed, I focused deliberately on other things and now I can't get it back...That's not something you can leran, you've gotta have it, you've gotta develop it...How does people know what they know?How come some have more difficulties learning something others catch in a second?
I'll give it some time, I know it's there somewhere...

Mecawen!

I Did It!!!

2005-10-05T08:40:00.000+02:00

Parecía imposible encontrar un simple nombre...mi mente esta bloqueada mal...pensando en cosas sin sentido...o tal vez con demasiado sentido...No me creo nada